Willard, The Wise One...

Ever since I started blogging, Willard has had a rule about me mentioning him in my blogs.  He told me I couldn't post anything about him without his written consent.  I'm hereby throwing that rule out the window, and there are three reasons why:

(1) I have included him in several blogs lately, and he seems to be a real crowd pleaser.

(2) He now has a Twitter, which I believe negates his wish to remain out of the spotlight. 

(3) I can no longer deny the world of his infinite wisdom. 

I've collected a few of his tweets that I would like to share with you.  Prepare to be speechless. 

I know, I know.  I am one lucky woman. 

A Night Out with The Garnett Family

I called Willard yesterday afternoon and told him that I needed to take Haley Rae and Karlie to the mall for a little Christmas shopping.  I told him I would take Baby A and asked him if he would keep Yuri and Gigi.  He said, “Well, actually I’ve got a hankering for Rosie’s”.  (In case you don’t speak Redneck, hankering means craving).  He suggested we ALL go eat and then ALL go to the mall.  I’m panicking on the inside because I know this will not turn out well, but I agree.

As we started to leave, one of the girls asked if I had seen her Beats (headphones).  Willard’s response – “No headphones allowed tonight.  We’re singing Christmas carols!!!”  Oh, Lord. 

 

At first glance, this looks like Haley Rae protesting the Christmas carols. However, if you have spent any time with her at all, you know that she believes she is an extremely talented singer.  I'm not going to comment on that because I've been accused of not supporting my children's dreams.  Let's just move on. 

Within 10 minutes of leaving our house, Willard’s road rage was in full bloom.  If you’ve never witnessed it, you can’t comprehend.  I’m not even going to try to explain it.  Ask my children.  There really are no words, but the closest ones that come to mind are “psycho” and “idiot”. 

We arrived at Rosie’s and thank goodness the wait wasn’t long at all.  Thank goodness, also, that we knew the people seated at both tables closest to us…you know, just in case.  The kids were actually good in the restaurant.  Our waiter came up and said, “Hello, my name is Mark.  Can I get you guys something to drink?” Yuri points to Willard and says to the waiter, “His name is Willard and he is ONE GRUMPY MAN.”  Slightly awkward moment, but we got through it.

So, on to the mall we go.  We made our usual bathroom stop.  Are we the only family that does a photo op in public restrooms?

 

And, of course, we couldn’t walk by the Beibs and not say hello. 

 

Willard took the little ones to the play area while I suffered through an hour and a half of shopping.  I mean that.  I am not a fan.  But I tried to be a good mood and I think I did an okay job.  There were comical moments… like when Karlie yells from the fitting room – “MOM!!! You’ve GOT to take away Dad’s Twitter.  How embarrassing!!!!”

I have to agree with Karlie on this one. 

I admit I was relieved when Willard called to tell me that Yuri needed to go potty.  (We make it a family goal to visit each and every public restroom on the premises…).  That meant I could step away from the teenage girl clothes and breathe.  When I walked up to the play area, I saw Baby A with her mouth open and her tongue out walking toward a little Chinese girl.  I couldn’t see her very well, so I just hoped she didn’t bite or lick her, and then I pretended it didn’t happen.  As I got closer, I realized that she WAS indeed licking the girls face.  Licking. Her. Face.  Apparently, that's acceptable behavior in Chinese custom because the little girl's parents didn't even blink.  I looked over at Willard, hoping for an expression that mirrored my horror, but he just had a blank stare on his face.  I'm pretty sure he was mapping out the next clever tweet in his head.  Yuri, bless her, was the only one (other than myself) who seemed concerned.

"ohhhh, Baby A... don't DO that."

 

I have to say, I wasn’t sure this was going to be a good idea… as a matter of fact, I was pretty sure it WASN’T a good idea, but it turned out just fine.  Yes, there were moments of chaos and awkwardness and inappropriate bodily sounds, but it wouldn’t be a night out with the Garnett’s without all of that!!

Mommy, Your Butt Looks Like Our Pumpkin

For the past several weeks, I’ve really had the blahs.  I think it’s a combination of the time change (I hate it getting dark so early), my weight gain, and the fact that I’m just tired all the time.  I feel old and fat and tired. 

When I got ready for church Sunday morning and came downstairs, this was the conversation:

GIGI:                     Mommy, your butt looks like our pumpkin.

ME:                        Oh. Yeah, I guess it kinda does.

YURI:                     Why is it so big?

ME:                        It just is.

YURI:                     Will my butt get big like that?

ME:                        Probably.

YURI:                     (in her whiney voice) Nooooooo! People will laugh at me. Sigh.

Disclaimer: This is NOT really my butt.

I woke up yesterday morning and decided I need a change, so I called to see if Hope could get me in for a new hairdo.  Unfortunately, you can't change the 'ol pumpkin butt problem in an hour, but you can change your hair!! Luckily for me, she had a cancellation for this morning. 

Here's the BEFORE picture -

Take note of the saggy face and stringy hair....Thank goodness you can't see the pumpkin butt.
 

 

And here’s the AFTER picture –

Still got the pumpkin butt, but that's next on the list of things to change.

 

You like?

Meet our Elf...Kyle Busch

What family forgets what they named their Elf last year?  Um, mine.  We were riding down the road on Friday night discussing the possibility that Santa MIGHT send our Elf back to us a little earlier this year when I realized I couldn’t remember what we called him.  I remember Hunter wanted to name him Will Ferrell and one of the girls wanted to name him Baby Jesus, but I think we went with something a bit more generic.  Anyway, I made a tactical mistake and said, “So what should we call him?” 

Remember how I told you that Yuri and Gigi take turns with “their day”, and they get to basically call the shots on “their day”.  Yeah, well, Friday was Gigi’s day.  Before I even get the question out of my mouth, Gigi yells out, “I want to name him Kyle Busch!!!”  Holy crap.  A tiny part of me was thrilled that she wanted to name him something associated with NASCAR, but a larger part of me was horrified that KYLE BUSCH was the first thing that popped in her head.  Had Willard not been in the car with me, I would have nixed it in a clever way that made it seem like HER idea, but he jumped all over it.  Kyle Busch it is. 

So… introducing Kyle Busch, the Elf.  We’re going to call him “KB” for short. 

 

If you’re wondering why he’s in a body cast, read yesterday’s blog here.

I’m thinking there may be an elf in the North Pole named Kevin Harvick who put KB in the wall. 

Sad news from the North Pole...

Just when I thought Santa might send our Elf a bit early this year (and you KNOW I was thrilled about having 20-something days of Elf time!), I received some sad news.

It seems that there was an accident in the North Pole today.  I don't know all the details, but it involved racing and sleds and it didn't sound good.  Anyway, our Elf was injured pretty badly.  It looks like he will make a full recovery, but he broke several bones and is in a full body cast.  Unfortunately, he's going to have to remain immobile for approximately 2 weeks - possibly more, depending on how stressed I am his rehab goes.

Looks like our Elf is stuck on the shelf.  He can still watch the kids and tattle to Santa, of course, but there won't be mischief and messes for Mommy to clean up every morning.  What a bummer.  Poor Elf.     

You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man

Willard has a new woman in his life.  He is AMAZED by everything she does for him.  Her name is Siri.  Ever since he got his new iPhone 5, he’s been madly in love with her. 

“Siri is soooo cool”

“Siri calls anybody I tell her to”

“Siri can text!”

Nice, honey.  Real nice.

 

Blah. Blah.  Big deal.  Can she make cornbread like I do?  Huh, can she?  Does SHE tolerate the most annoying dog in the world just because you have some weird attachment to it?  Did she carry and birth your children? Has she suffered through the movie “Empire Records” at least 47 times with you?  (I know not many of you recognize that movie title.  Don't bother to google it.  Trust me, it's not worth it.)

Well, I’ve got a message for Siri. I believe Loretta Lynn said it best… You ain’t woman enough to take my man.  For real. 

Day 30 - Thankful Blog - The End!

Well, it’s the last day of November.  I didn’t get to blog about everything I wanted to, so I’m going to throw out a few different things today.

I’m thankful for the nice weather we’re having.  I just don’t know if I could handle bitter cold this early in the winter.  As a matter of fact, I’m done with winter.  How long until Spring?

I’m thankful for a couple of really good friends.  Friends that I can tell everything and know it’s not going any further.  Friends who get my sense of humor and my sarcasm. 

I’m thankful for my job.  While it can be a ginormous pain in the behind, I can’t imagine a better setup for raising a family.  With the great invention of the smartphone, I now have the flexibility to not only work from home, but from anywhere I choose – a ballgame, the grocery store, the pool. 

I’m thankful for DHR, who listened to me last year when I said “I wouldn’t mind having a newborn for a little while” and gave me Baby A.  She was really only supposed to be with us short-term, but there are no words to express how glad I am that we still have her. 

I’m thankful for Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream.  I’m probably going to weigh 600 pounds soon, but DANG, that stuff is good.

I’m thankful that I’m not a teenage girl.  Geez.  My eyes have certainly been opened lately and I don’t envy my daughters having to deal with the stuff they have to deal with at all.  I have a whole new respect for them. 

I’m thankful that people put so much importance on having a nicely mowed yard.  Garnett’s Lawn Equipment had a good year, and thus the Garnett family had a good year. 

I’m thankful for yoga pants.  I don’t do yoga, but that’s irrelevant.  Whoever invented these is a genius.

And I’m thankful that November is almost over.  While I didn’t run out of subjects to blog about, I ran out of TIME each day.  The pressure of blogging EVERY day nearly got to me.  Whew.  I’m much more suited to be a 1-2 times per week blogger. 

So, anyway.  Bye Bye November.  Welcome December!!  I am ALMOST feeling a twinge of Christmas spirit.  I heard “Christmas in Dixie” on the radio today and felt almost downright jolly for a minute.  I briefly entertained putting up a tree tomorrow but then Willard reminded me that tomorrow is only December 1^st.  Plenty of time left. 

I’ll go ahead and give you a preview of what’s to come in the first few days of December…

Santa will be sending us our Elf again soon, and I’m pretty sure you’ve never seen one quite like ours.

Willard has a new female in his life, and I think he likes her more than he likes me. 

My 30+ year relationship with Y&R is in jeopardy.  I don’t know how much more of Sharon I can take.  Can’t someone lock her in a basement somewhere?

See you soon….